i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize