I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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