did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I smell like Dick and happiness
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
