I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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