Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
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