I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
