I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
