I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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