the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
