So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
