You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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