My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
