Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
