I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
