Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
