Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
