Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
