Betty ford says i'm here all night
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
