I wish I could teleport
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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