Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
