she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
