chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
