I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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