Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Shame is for Republicans.
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