THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
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