I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
