Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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