Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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