my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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