If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
