In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
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