There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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