he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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