the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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