i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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