dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
