I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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