I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize