I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
