i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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