I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
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