you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
