someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
