Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize