I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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