the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
