Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
