he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize