I need to stop coming to work sober
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
