What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize