went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
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