Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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