i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
