Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
