Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
