he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
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