Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I'm always down for nudity.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
