I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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