she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
that is very illegal...i love you.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
