Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Randomize
