words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i think i just lost a toe
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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